Lateral Thinkings of a rambler...

'Funny Man'

2008-04-02T06:45:00.000-07:00

The other day while explaining the intricacies of ‘pangali sandai’ (Co-brother Fight) to an acquaintance new to this form of fighting, the topic inevitably steered towards a real life ‘pangali sandai’ between a couple of my friends. This acquaintance having grasped the essence of ‘pangali sandai’ (or Bengali Sunday as she called it) alluded these kinds of fights to a reel life example from the movie ‘Dil Chahta Hai’. This got me thinking.
Having watched thousands of stereotypical Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood, Mollywood and all other woods, I gathered that there are groups of people in real life who unconsciously portray these stereotypes. In any flick, you get to see a hero, his lady love and a ‘funny man’ who provides comical relief. 24 years of observing society, I noticed that in most groups these three kinds of people always existed. That’s when I felt sorry for the real life ‘funny man’. The writers, directors and producers of movies may have incredible talent in developing these characters, but there is always an iota of truth behind such portrayal.
The ‘funny man’ is always the young guy who ends up in the wrong place, almost always gets rejected by girls as he is either twisted or was just a ‘good friend’ and of course makes jokes. And these aren’t instances in just movies; I know a bunch of ‘funny men’ who actually live such a life. While he makes people laugh, he leads a pretty terrible life himself! In recognition of such hardships, I have started a society to morally help these socially awkward, mentally abused, orally witty ‘funny men’ called ITSFUNNY (InTernational Society For UNstable Neurotically funny Youth). I hope to make the miserable lives of ‘funny men’ better as it would someday help them become ‘heroes’. Women who have joined this society can try at the very least flirting with these young men to boost their morale. Please contribute and encourage this society as ‘funny men’ are also people.

Color of cold

2008-01-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

Something about a blank sheet of white paper triggers a euphoric rush through my spine. It’s mostly because my brain conjures an imaginary black pen and mentally doodles on the bare sheet. As bizarre as it may sound, I feel like a dog that is excited to see a spot of moving red dot on a wall.
While it’s universally agreed that winter is the gloomiest season, I find myself having a familiar rush during this quarter. During winter, nature wipes its slate clean. The trees are bare, animals hibernate, earth is white and heat is turned off. A perennial chance given by nature to let our imagination run wild and fill those blanks with whatever we wish for. There are coconuts hanging from naked trees, with colorful African birds perch on its branches, singing. The incredibly sweet melody has calmed the usually boisterous chimpanzees, as they hang upside down drowned in the tune. The white roads are decorated with colorful ‘rangoli’ designs made by skillful women. Well… you get the point.
The gentle breeze that wafts across my after-shave smeared face has become part of my everyday routine these days. The chill is on borderline bearable, but the urge to feel the wind on the freshly menthol-ed face is similar to having a gulp of water after eating mint. It stings, but it feels good. While human beings cover themselves with immense layers to trap the body heat, it always made me wonder how cloth-less sparrows keep themselves warm during this season. They are probably the only sign of faunal life in the place I stay. They hop around collecting twigs, exhuming dead worms, shaking off snow from their tiny heads and anxiously calling for its mate. Well, it just makes me wonder how they survive the chill.
One thing that struck me odd was the portrayal of winter in movies. It’s always shown as a time of celebration and the holiday season. But the ‘real’ winter is felt only during the months of Jan and Feb. ‘Real’ people go about their usual routine during these two months as if nothing happened. (Of course there is an occasional grumble or two about having eaten too much during Christmas). There is no Santa Claus or Reindeers to help them trudge through the cold. But I guess that’s why Hollywood is so successful. They know how to fill the blank winter slate.

Fun with depression

2007-11-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

-DO NOT READ -

New York University came up with this online quiz where they tested if you had depression. Strange as it might sound, most people want to know about themselves, in spite of living with themselves their entire life. I am no exception. I wanted to know if I was depressed (!). By the end of the quiz, every question they had asked seemed to be addressing my personal problems. I pressed the ‘submit’ button and BOOM I suffered from depression. Depression can be fun when you see yourself from a 3^rd person’s point of view.

Some of the best dark comedic lines spew out when I talk to him. Most of the talks take place in obscure places or positions such as while sitting down in the corner of the corridor, resting the forehead on the bathroom wall or in imaginary places with no idea as to where we are in the physical world. Some of the most melancholic moments were laughed at – the decibel of the laughter usually touching a maniacal limit, while the genuinely funny moments were deeply pondered upon resulting either to a stoic reaction or a mild smirk. Many times we used to wonder if this was because he was just becoming more mature or was it that his funny side was getting worn out. But again this thought was subject to loud and cruel laughter.

I often write a to-do list just to make myself feel useful. A reason to live. To tell myself that I am still needed to do these unfinished businesses. This to-do list remains unchanged as days pass by, while the paper seems to grow newer everyday. But the words just tear themselves out of the paper and grow bigger by the minute. The blank ink expands while dexterously holding together the words it created. The words become blurry, but somehow he knows what they translate into and he can see them looming angrily above him. Wild predictions about the consequences of these unfinished affairs are made, while the very predictability of the end scenario makes him bored and lethargic.

- I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS -

The world is too loud. People bleat all the time. They all want to state their opinions and if ignored, they yap even more to argue about my unfair decision. Like sheep they all want everyone to accept them as being a sheep. On the other hand they all bleat differently to stand out without realizing that a bleat is always a bleat. Loud music is the biggest solace. His headphones are almost always on. High decibels, close to your ears numb the brain. All powers of concentration are forcibly directed towards the loudness. Brain maps data. If an already absorbed data is re-shown, the brain blurs it and creates blanks spaces. [This is why when you keep staring at a picture, the picture soon blurs up. This is because the brain is sending signals to let you know that you already know it] Loud music works in a similar way. The brain is aware of the loudness and within a matter of seconds’ reserves blank memory spaces to accommodate it. Memory soon fills up and everything around you blurs or vanishes. He thinks that Nirvana feels like this.

Everyone hates him. Hate levels vary according to the reason they hate him for. Some people hate him for his guts, some for his laziness, some for his aloofness, some for his foolishness and some for no reason. Actually between you and me, I hate him as well. I hate him because he has all of a sudden become disgustingly superstitious with numbers. Ever seen a person add up numbers in a number plate or in the calendar to see if it is his lucky number? That’s him. He does not base his actions on it, but he just feels good about it. I hate him for that and he knows it. I on the other hand want to be liked. This is very sheep like, but I don’t care. My attempts to make myself acceptable fail miserably almost all the time and I end up having people hate me, but at least I made an attempt.

- YOU ILLITERATE? DON'T READ THIS! -

Guiltiness for no reason is a gift. He can feel guilty for a junk mail he just got or even about a hypothetical situation! It makes his heart beat fast, churn his stomach and produce these muscle spasms. The muscle spasm thing is very cool. It feels as if you just got an electric shock and you survived it. It blanks the senses for a while and a tiny ringing sound resonates in your ears for quite a while. For a long time I thought this was due to the cold temperature.

Off late fast cars, tall buildings and elevator shafts look very inviting. The NYU quiz said schizophrenia was also a sign of you gone cuckoo. I think he is schizo.

In retrospect the entire thing sounds very ‘non-straight’.

- DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T WARN YOU -

How are you I am fine

2007-09-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

How are you?

How are you doing?

How’s life?

What’s going on?

What you upto?

How’s it going?

And the list goes on and on and on. These are the questions that are usually posed by people you meet. It just pops up, no matter when, where or how you meet them. And every time I am asked any of those questions I have this urge to retort something like “There is a 54 legged beetle on your face” or “Your face looks like a pug”, but twenty three years of being a social animal twists my tongue into saying “I am fine”.

There lies my point. The person asking these questions very clearly knows the answer, but they still ask you. For several years I thought that these people really meant it, but after some sense was knocked into my head I realized that they don’t care one bit about whether you are fine or not, they just want to ask. And they expect “I am fine” as a reply.

So one fine day, I decided to control my mouth and started answering “Magnificent”, “never been better” or “Fabulous”. This threw people off guard. They are fine as long as you are fine, but if you are “absolutely stupendous” they become nervous. I am not sure if they are nervous because they didn’t want me to be better than them or if some “How are you, I am fine” mechanism in their head went cuckoo. This triggered another series of questions ranging from “How come?” to “That is being overtly optimistic don’t you think?”

To be quite honest, I hate questions. It makes me use my brain, which I don’t like. So to prevent myself from getting bombarded with these extra questions, I decided to stop answering them. This was also a very bad idea. They started asking MORE questions! They now pretended to be concerned and asked if anything was wrong or if everything was alright. So I had to again mumble some answer or nod my head.

Like I said before, I am a social animal. I didn’t want to go around hurting people, lest they form clandestine groups to pound me while I am asleep. I mean, what would happen if I said “I am not fine. Now give me forty thousand dollars. I have a family to support” or “I am miserable, now go to China”. Will they really do it?

Right now I have this pretty neat trick going on, which seems to work pretty well. Diversion. I divert the topic or their attention into something else. I reply something like “Did you watch the football game last night?” or “How was your trip to Timbactoo?”. This intrigues them, because now they will be talking about their glorious self for a very long time. By the end of their talk they are too exhausted to listen to you, so they just say “bye, take care” (Ah! “Take care”… I could ramble about this line too. But never mind.)

So for all those people out there plagued by this question, there is the solution! But, in case you have a better idea or if you are a seasoned mad man, let me know how you handle it.

(Thinking about it… A “Waggly woogly beeeeee” or “Pffft booop eeepperr” would also be a terrific reply. This would completely stop people from approaching you!)

Family Problems

2007-08-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

It was like any other night. Everyone was sleeping peacefully, when all of a sudden, from the adjacent room mom rushed out with her bed sheet and slumped in the hall, pretending to sleep. Dad came out of the same room apologizing profusely and asked mom to come back and sleep in the bedroom. Their teenage son whined out of his bedroom and asked everyone to shut up, while his younger brother stared blankly at the entire scene. In spite of dad’s pleadings, mom was stubborn. She said that she wouldn’t sleep in the bedroom if dad kept talking to his girlfriend……..

I live in a very queer place. I live in a huge apartment with four other guys. But despite the fact that they are just four normal guys, when they are all together, they fuse into one typical nuclear family. There is a dad, a mom, a spoilt elder son with teenage problems and the younger son who lives in the shadow of his elder brother.

The dad is a very typical dad. Just like we never knew our dad’s age (‘cos all the information we needed was that he was just dad and he was old) no one in my apartment knows his age, but he has claimed to be thirty for around 3 years. Like every typical family, everyone assumes that he would pay the monthly bills (which he would), plan some weekend activity and bring home some candy that he got in his office that day. And not surprisingly, he asks everyone how their day was and mysteriously disappears into his room at 9:00pm claiming some ‘office’ work.

The mom isn’t much of a ‘mom’ mom. I.e. (s)he doesn’t care about you like our moms do, but he does all the other activities that we have all seen our moms do. He is home all day. Whenever you come home, he is there for you. And, he just cannot resist watching serials on the Television. He follows about 4 to 5 serials and discusses every plot with miraculous clarity. I say miraculous because, any other topic of discussion other than TV series would project him as a seemingly dull person. And since he is home all the time, he is almost always on the phone gossiping, while claiming to do preposterous part-time activities. In addition, like so many homes, in spite of everything being spick and span, ‘mom’ keeps cleaning stuff ( and also folds clothes, arranges used plastic bags, irons clothes, sweeps the floor etc) all the time. But unfortunately, he is like a House Fly (and a house wife), because even though he cleans himself and his surroundings, somehow everything around him is haphazard and dirty.

The spoilt elder son is a very interesting character. He is the tallest in the ‘family’ (like most first borns) but cowers when he stands in front of ‘dad’. But ‘dad’ has a special corner for his eldest son and believes that he would make it big in this nasty world. I should mention that he is about 22 years old, but by heart he is yet to get out of high-school. Like a classic teenager, he has amazing mood swings and plays loud Hip-hop music (‘mom’ hates it when he plays loud music and laments loudly to his ‘husband’). One second he is making jokes and laughing and the next second he becomes the broody type. He thinks that no one gives him importance and often complains about his life. And yes… his sense of humor. His type of humor revolves only around anatomical parts. Any mention of the lower abdomen, the ‘bottom’ or ‘people who make owl like sounds’ evokes instant laughter and gets classified as a ‘Wery Funny Jhoke yaar’.

The youngest son dotes on his elder brother. He thinks his brother is coolest guy around and he does almost anything his brother tells him to do. He is not very out-spoken and mentioning the words ‘girl friend’ guarantees instant blushing. And like younger sons, his true character isn’t revealed that much, because he is always shadowed by his ‘family’ members.

There are often by-the-book scenarios that take place. For instance, the dad often complains to mom that he spends too much, while mom claims that he buys only stuff needed for home. The elder son randomly talks about business and marketing, while a beaming dad listens to him with genuine pride. The mom keeps asking her youngest son if everything’s alright and keeps handing over food which he receives without a word of protest. (“You are so thin! Eat some of this. You will become nice and healthy”)

But this family is going to break soon. Dad is planning to marry his long time girl friend in Mumbai and would soon abandon this house which he got from mom. I hate to see moms cry and it sure would be heart breaking to witness the day when dad leaves the family.

If you are wondering what role I play in this apartment, then here it is. I play the irritating guest who has no intention of leaving the house in the near future. I grab stuff from the fridge, empty milk cartons, come home during unearthly hours, make loud noises, crack bad jokes, write blog posts about the family with whom he is living and… well, you know how irritating guests are.

Disclaimer: If you are my roomie and you are reading this, make sure you fill up the fridge, ‘cos we are running short of milk, tomatoes, onions, bananas, dhal and roti.

A girl, a sorry, a threat and a metrosexual

2007-07-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

I received my first real threat over a girl recently. We will come back to the core matter later, but what I did realize was I was ‘sightable’ material. This was confirmed by an ABCD girl living in my building who apparently nurtured a soft corner for me! Naturally after hearing that piece of news, I was a flattered. Smitten by this, my head got swollen to incredible levels and I was floating around, with my swollen head aiding my locomotion. But like the old saying, all good things must come to an end, my new locomotion aid was popped rather abruptly by the same female who saw my photos (online) and stated that I was nothing like how I looked in real life and I was branded ‘non-sightable’. With a smaller head and a broken ego, I called upon the greatest philosopher of modern times (Me) to unscramble this rather dark mystery.

Many people I know have often stated that they don’t have a photogenic face. People, otherwise quite lookable have refused to stand in front of the lens, claiming a non-photogenic face. So, what does the camera do to them? The obvious conclusion is that the camera has its own evil brain and makes sure that certain people it hates appear appallingly ugly in print. Cases of broken cameras caused by the non-photogenic segment of the society who had wanted to flush out the evil brain by inflicting physical pain to the camera have been reported recently. But what they don’t realize is that cameras can communicate with other cameras in a language unknown to man. (This is why non-photogenic people look ugly in all pictures!). Resorting to physical torture obviously won’t work. So, start showering love to your camera and start taking pictures without you in the picture. Some day, some time, the camera might start liking you.

Coming back to the threat issue. A friend of mine threatened me not to see or talk to this ABCD female ever again, because he was trying his luck on her. A little background about this ‘friend’. He is about seven years elder to me, which almost qualifies for a generation gap. He has a concentrated version of Gujju blood flowing through his veins and the twist to all this is, is that he thinks he is American. He is convinced that he is part of the executive class Caucasian American and is also pretty sure he has a debonair American accent. (But only those who have listened to him talk know that he sounds like Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (from the Simpsons) mixed with Vijayakanth’s English accent). The ‘S’s are pronounced with a ‘Sh’ and the ‘R’s are pronounced with a ‘Zh’. For e.g, Seize is pronounced as “Sheesh” and America is pronounced as “AmerZhikka”. Books on American lifestyle are mugged up religiously, prompting him to behave like he is Metrosexual, which in reality looks very homosexual. The adjectives ‘cute’ and ‘sweet’ are used in almost every sentence and the movie Titanic is very violent. That’s pretty much him in a nut shell and with these characteristics it pretty obvious that he stands no chance against the ‘cute’ ABCD girl.

Ah! We are back to the ABCD female. Honestly speaking she doesn’t encompass the definition of the female sector of ABCDs. A true ABCD female (or ABCDFe) is breathtakingly beautiful. But this particular ABCDFe is good looking but doesn’t make the air thin. Anyway… the first time I met her was in the lobby when she accidentally tripped over me (Waves were crashing normally, birds were still flying and milk when over heated still spilt out. Nothing ever stopped) and said sorry.

Sorry… This made me take a resolution to never name anyone “Sorry”. Imagine a person called Sorry. He would have to introduce himself as “Hi, I am Sorry”, making others wonder what went wrong. Or when as a kid he has collect an award, the teacher responsible for making sure that the right student is sent to the stage to receive the award asks him if he is Sorry. Sorry obviously gets confused as to whether he has to answer “Yes, I am Sorry” or “No, I am not sorry to receive this award”. Leading psychiatrists claim that such situations cause serious mental trauma to people named Sorry. One such patient, a failed Cut-out maker, when questioned was quoted saying “My mom named me Very Sorry and I have been Sorry from that very day. My career came crashing down when a customer asked me to make a cut-out of myself as a sample and I had to cut a Sorry figure”. Top actor and politician Vijayakanth hurt the sentiments of several people named Sorry when in one of his movies he claimed that Sorry (or feeling Sorry) was one word he didn’t like in any language, erupting a nation wide protest against the movie.

As a humble request, don’t name your child Sorry or you will be sorry for the rest of your life.

Anyway, back to the ABCDFe, the threat and the metrosexual. Only time will tell.

The Life and Times of Cool Dudes

2007-05-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

During my 23 years of existence, I have come across several fellows who try to get attention by claiming to be ‘cool dudes’. Cool dudes (or “Kewl” Dudes) stand out from a crowd mostly because others don’t think they are cool.

Cool dudes are always found in crowds and can easily be identified by their uncanny ability to either push the limits of self control in other people or help them build the psychological stone wall.

Distinct Cool dude characteristics are as follows….

The Atheist

Ever come across a person in their early twenties claiming to be an atheist? If you have, you have just spotted a cool dude. These Cool Dudes are not atheists because they have made an in-depth research on the field of atheism but rather fancy themselves to be atheists because their life sucks in abysmal levels and they throw the blame on God. They just hate God for having given them their mundane life and very similar to kinder garden kids, they just ‘stop talking’ to God.

In a crowd, they incessantly stress the point that they are atheists until someone notices them. And once someone does acknowledge them and question them about their belief, it triggers coherent lines of complete BS. At the end of their Five minutes of recognition, they have made a complete fool of themselves, but inside them they feel a natural high for having talked to someone. And this high is indirectly proportional to the next gathering (i.e. as they foresee another crowd, the high keeps diminishing, until they claim to be atheists to another ‘listener’ in the other crowd).

The Movie Guy

And then there is this Cool Dude who claims to have seen ALL the movies ever released by man kind. Movies are an integral part of conversations. Cool dudes take a complete advantage of this. Whenever someone in the crowd talks about a movie, the Cool Dude raises to the occasion and starts critiquing the movie. 99% of the time, the Cool dude hasn’t even heard of the movie or has just seen the trailer.

People who have genuinely seen the movie get highly irritated, but like a stubborn donkey, Cool dudes just prevent them from talking. Again, like I said previously, when the crowd has dispersed, the Cool Dude feels high for having ‘won’ an intellectual argument without even having seen the movie. But again, the crowd doesn’t feel the same way.

The Singer

During a quiet bus journey or during a relatively silent atmosphere when the mind is numb and relaxed, cacophonous sounds resembling some old Hindi or Tamizh song at a borderline decibel level( which doesn’t qualify as a whisper, but merely passes as a normal hearing volume) wafts through the ear disturbing the peace and serenity of the atmosphere. You turn around and see a person sitting in a supposedly cool pose humming a song with his/her eyes half closed. You have just witnessed a Cool Dude. This is a very sticky situation, ‘cos this Cool Dude doesn’t exactly know you, but WANTS to know you. His/her conversational skills are near zero, but he/she thinks highly of his/her singling abilities. What he/she doesn’t realize is that this is the 21^st century real world and not some 1980s movie.

We just have to bear the singing for we are too polite and once we are certainly sure that the cool dude has stopped singing, we just comment on the singing thus posting a huge smile on the face (of cool dude) who is incredibly happy for having grabbed your attention.

The Rajnikanth

I have witnessed just one of these kinds, but I am pretty sure that there are loads roaming hungrily in the land of attention grabbing. I am talking about the one who thinks he is Rajnikanth. They are highly irritating, ‘cos they think they are ‘naturally’ stylish but blatantly copy Rajnikanth. They talk like him, walk like him and laugh like him (I hope ardent Rajnikanth fans get this analogy :P ). They smoke right at your face and try very hard to come up with witty one liners. At the end of the conversation they leave you with a big headache partly due to the Carbon Monoxide and partly due to the their very personality.

The Maverick

There are these Cool dudes who follow reverse psychology. When the crowd paints them with attention, they remain aloof and refuse to participate. They want to play the role of the maverick who feels these crowd activities in the bigger picture are worthless and insignificant. Inside them they are craving for someone in the crowd to continue their persistence and make them participate. Surprisingly, some might actually make the Cool Dude participate. Internally the beast controlling the Cool Dude becomes euphoric, but Cool dude HAVE to maintain his maverick status, so he remains aloof.

After the crowd disperses, this Cool Dude actually feels a bit stupid for not having made use of all that ample attention. But what to do…. Cuch is Cool Dude.

On the whole Cool Dudes are very pathetic creatures and prey on attention. Philanthropists out there usually pity these creatures and feed them with ample attention. But be aware that Cool Dudes don’t want friends, so don’t expect anything in return.

WARNING: Please do not confuse Baais and Cool Dudes! Baais know that they are acting like Cool Dudes and keep their Cool Dude activities among their own circle. Real Cool Dudes are usually loners and have no idea that they are being Cool Dudes. They unleash their Cool Dude-ness only when they are among a crowd that barely respects them.

VCs in PCs.

2007-04-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

The advent of the internet and consequently its popularity among jerks and idiots has given birth to several newly evolutionized forms of those mentioned above. As a person who grew up with the internet revolution, I came across several of these virtually challenged people (Or VCs as I call them).

1) The I-just-want-to-be-cool-and-so-I-am-“chatting”ly challenged or The Cerebrally Challenged

Ever come across friends who have just got an internet connection or just getting used to the internet? These fellows are usually attributed to the above syndrome. They log on to their chat clients ritualistically everyday and then ping whoever is online with the same question. They r completely mundane and have nothing to say what-so-ever. The typical conversation would be something like this

Virtually Challenged: Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Everyday User: Hey!

VC: How are you?

TEU: Fine

VC: Then?

TEU: Nothing

(After 5 mins)

VC: HULLO!!!!!

TEU: Yes

VC: You there?

TEU: Yes, I am

VC: What are you doing?

TEU: Nothing

VC: Then?

TEU: Nothing

(After 5 mins)

VC: HULLO!!

TEU: Hey. I am busy. Talk to you later.

The same conversation takes place everyday, day after day and these people can NEVER interpret the disinterest the everyday user glaringly shouts at them. The worst part is that the VCs don’t give a damn about you. They just want to chat or want to let you know that they can chat.

2) The I-am-the-virtual-leech-and-I-am-here-to-cling-on-to-you-till-eternity-ly challenged

These are probably the most irritating VCs. They are completely jobless and they vehemently assume that everyone on Earth is like them – Jobless. But unlike the Cerebrally challenged, they don’t log on to their chat clients everyday. They usually log on once a week or once every fortnight and then ping you. And that’s when they suck every second you have in your life and irritate the hell out of you. An example

VC: HEY!!!!

TEU: Hey!

(After all those Mundane questions like How are you? What are you doing? And so on..)

TEU: Dude, I need to go now. Seeya.

VC: Oh! So, you are soooooo busy is it? You won’t talk to me is it?

(TEU is now in a predicament. He doesn’t hate VC, but he just wants stay away from him for that moment. So….)

TEU: No dude. Hell a lot of work and my boss is litrelly biting my head off.

VC: Ha ha ha ha!! Biting your head is it? How does he bite you? With his teeth?

(TEU is now irritated. He is tempted to ask VC to go hang himself, but he resists and so…)

TEU: Ha ha ha ha! No dude. Serious. I need to go now. Seeya.

VC: Dude, don’t make me laugh. I know you are not busy. You have an amazing sense of humor! HA HA HA HA!

TEU: Thanks. But I need to go now.

(The VC here is now alert. He wants to divert TEU)

VC: Dude, btw.. what plans for weekend?

(TEU: I want to kill you and probably feed you to the dogs)

TEU: Nothing much. Watching movies I guess.

VC: What movies?

(TEU: How to hack you and other shorts)

As you might have noticed, the VC here is very smart. He drives you to insanity and you are manipulated to keep him occupied. Now the heavy blow for you would come when you want to play his part as a revenge. So, when you ping him, he abruptly ends the conversation and goes offline. You might ask.. Why don’t TEUs do the same? Well, I guess, we are all the nice people.

On a side note, these people are for some strange reason obsessed with the thought that you might have a Boy friend or a Girl Friend and they pester you to tell stories about your them.

3) The I-want-to-tell-all-my-woes-to-you-ly challenged.

These VCs make your happy Sunshine life, dark and gloomy and at the end of the conversation, you would feel miserable as they would have sucked all the happiness from your life. They are lonely people who have no social skills. And feel comfortable talking to a person who doesn’t have a face, cannot avoid him and responds sympathetically - You. They start off by telling that they are leading a terrible life. Everything in their life is going the wrong way and so on. And then comes the part where they start feeling jealous about your life and exclaim how lucky you are as opposed to their miserable lives. And at the end, you feel so bad for leading such a good life and feel bad! And it somewhat goes like this….

TEU: Hey! How are you?!!!

VC: Bad dude.

(The usual answer for “How are you?” is “I am Fine” or something like that. So, another answer opposite to the prescribed answer throws you off guard)

TEU: Oh! Why, what happened?

VC: (Whine Whine Whine Cry cry cry Feel-bad Feel-Bad Feel-bad) (Put some 1000 sad looking smileys)

TEU: That’s terrible!

VC: Yea, so how are you then?

TEU: I am fine I guess. (The TEU is starting to become humble)

VC: You are soooo lucky! You are having a party as your life right?

TEU: Not really.

VC: Ah! Don’t lie! (Whine)

(At this point, you are slowly maneuvered to talk about imaginary miseries you have)

(But that doesn’t work too well)

So, these VCs have the same kind of conversations with you all the time and at some point of time you realize that the cause of all the miseries in your life is because of these VCs! Wise Everyday Users avoid these VCs after sometime. But nice people like me don’t have the heart to do it and thus still endure the torture.

4) The I-love-flooding-your-Inbox-with-forwards-ly challenged.

Whats with these VCs? They send nonsensical forwards, usually in large numbers with no reason at all! They flood your inbox with crap and later on someday when you talk to them, they question and quiz you about a particular forward they sent! That’s when you are left with no choice other than telling them that you don’t read their mails. So, problem solved? NO!

They insist that you read it and they send even more forwards and call you occasionally to check if you do read it. One word for all these VCs – Bastards.

5) The Orkutters

The Orkut fever has caught everyone. They are all excited about this new community network. ALL the above mentioned VCs conglomerate in this area. As you can imagine, the results are devastating! The most tormenting factor in here is that you have to be extra polite and politically correct because all your conversations are thrown open to the public!

The I-just-want-to-be-cool-and-so-I-am-“chatting”ly challenged scrap you everyday with the same question. The I-am-the-virtual-leech-and-I-am-here-to-cling-on-to-you-till-eternity-ly challenged bug you ALL the time! The I-want-to-tell-all-my-woes-to-you-ly challenged pour their woes and make you miserable and ofcourse Bastards send fwds to your Orkut Inbox on a hourly basis.

6) The “Big words” Blogger.

I will keep this short. After Blogging became a vogue, there are VCs out there who want to show off their “path breaking” writing skills. So, they write their posts in MS-Word, right click normal words and search for synonyms. This results in ugly sounding sentences, which to other VCs sound very erudite!

Personally, I think this is done by these VCs to compromise for their rather small… brain. And a classic example of one such VC is here.

There are many VCs whom I have left knowingly, unknowingly or even resisted the urge not to categorize them as VCs. Incase you have experienced a new breed of VCs somewhere, let me know. I am planning to start a new Anti-VC force called FISH OFF ( Freedom from Irritating Soul Hacking Online oFFenders) mainly to eradicate VCs who refuse to reform. FISH OFF members are given free Shoot-at-sight licenses. I might sound mean or even Eeeevil.. but what to do.. Such is life.

Ah! One more thing, if you feel you have one of the above traits of the VC, either try to reform or stay away from TEU’s good lives. And one MORE thing. If you feel I AM one of these fellows, let me know!! :P

YOU, You, you and you are not alone

2007-02-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to be all alone? How can you experience solitude? When such complex questions are posed, I call upon the greatest philosopher of modern times, Me.

On a cold winter morning, when the heater in the room was cranked to its maximum capacity, which made the cold winter morning, sweltering hot, I melted on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, when these questions stared at me.

From the time of your birth, you are in constant interaction with some one in the outside world. It starts off with your mother and then your father and then it branches of to tens and thousands of people. When you are first spat into this world, you are you. When your mother looks at you, unknown to you, she sees someone else in you. She glances at you and imagines that you look like your distant uncle twice removed. This coats you with a personality. Then your father looks at you and he claims you look like his great grand father when he flinched at his cat. Thus from the time you are born, there are already three yous: You, You from your mother’s eye and You from your father’s eyes. And as people start seeing you, the real you gets coated with all the characters that people around you see you as, resulting in the pure You to get buried somewhere deep under.

As the earth keeps revolving and as the years pass by, you start behaving like the way people want you to. It’s like changing clothes according to the occasion. You see your aunt, and you behave the way she wants you to see you as. You see your friend and you remove the coat that you wore for your aunt and wear the coat given to you by your friend. You make sure that the smile you flash at someone is perfectly timed and makes the cute beautiful eyes twinkle or you raise your voice to voice an opinion to be the focus of attention. Ultimately you are never you. You are always the way people want you to be.

So, this brings us back to the question that stared at me. What does it mean to be left alone? Imagine shunning away from civilization and locking yourself in the room. Does this mean you are alone? Definitely not! You still trudge along all the coats given by you by the world and you glance at these coats all the time. You think of what made your mother angry, you think about the time when you were slapped by your teacher and you cry at the time your friend betrayed you. And after all these frustrations, you try to take revenge on the world, by hiding behind the coat they gave, while never removing it. The world knows that you are hiding behind their coat and know exactly what your next move would be.

So, I tried this one day. I wanted to dig up the original Me in me. But, I had by this time developed some million varieties of Me that they just overpowered Me. I just couldn’t be alone. I was always accompanied by all the other fake Mes, pushing and prodding Me to act in a certain way, in a certain time, in a certain place, and never allowing the unblemished Me to act on the mind of it’s own. “What if I give back the coat they gave me?” you might ask. Well, that’s the trick. Even if you throw the coat back to one of them, their view of You changes and they now give you another brand new coat. It’s a vicious cycle

Finally, I concluded, I am never alone and I can never be alone.

Cellular love

2007-01-21T16:26:00.001-08:00

While everyone on earth waits with an abated breath for his/hers first kiss, I got mine when I least expected it. It was a cold January morning and as I inhaled the fresh air circulated by the air conditioner in my room, I realized that someone had grazed my lips. This very thought jerked me awake and I rushed to the nearest mirror to see the remnants of the tryst. And there it was, on my lips, pink and supple as I stared at it for a long time unable to believe it.

It is of a general opinion that the first kiss is never forgotten. In my case I am in the danger of not forgetting it even in my next life, primarily because of the ‘thing’ that kissed me. It is a self reproductive being which springs to life when it finds a good host. My girl friend was a Virus. She (if I may refer to it that way) had sneaked into my mouth and placed the kiss in the middle of the night. This ‘kiss’ resulted in a big swollen bulge on my lip complete with a searing pain on my lip (not in my heart). So, I was back in front of the mirror examining this bulge, prodding and feeling it as if it were a sleeping monster.

When someone showers you with unconditional love you usually don’t have the heart to throw them out of your life. So, I waited patiently and passed on telepathic messages for her to leave. Fidelity was something that my girl friend was born with and she refused to leave or even show signs of leaving. After several open and obvious attempts at throwing her out of my lips, she finally got the hint and her reaction wasn’t good.

It started of with some crying (while the tears slowly turned into blood) and all of a sudden there was a change in mood. She swelled up and breathed fire. Her flames of fury spread all over my body and the ‘kiss’ became larger and more pink! It resulted with me having a fever and she wreaking havoc on my lips! It was at this point I realized that I needed a counselor, who could convince her to go away in peace. After a phone call to the counselor and a box of ice (creams?), her flames of hatred reduced a bit.

At the appointed hour, I, along with my fuming girl friend, was sitting in front of the counselor. The counselor looked closely at my girlfriend, while my girl friend stared back at her. This exchange of looks gave me jitters.

I felt weird at some random female staring and observing my lips (while there I was trying to gauge her reaction). After a long and silent minute, the counselor engaged her precious vocal chords and stated the following words – “Nothing to worry about”. It was my turn to stare at her. She refused to meet my eyes and wrote some medications on a small piece of paper. Since my technique wasn’t working, I engaged my vocal chords (while my girl friend, residing on my lips, was desperately trying to stop me) and asked her if I was to live with her through out my life or will she be leaving soon. The doctor remained silent and after some serious writing on her pad, she professionally traced her finger over the perforation and handed over a slip. She opened her precious mouth once again and said something inconceivable. Later I understood that she was talking in the language of my girlfriend.

Like magic (after decoding and implementing the message she had written on the paper she had given me) the pain on my lips reduced greatly, although the bulge remained intact. After a few reluctant days and some awkwardness on my part, my ex-girl friend left for good (which is not entirely true, but that is a different story!).

For all those ‘single’ fellows out there… look out for ‘single’ fellows like you as your ‘special’ friend, but lookout for those microscopic or ‘single-celled’ fellows.

Bond. Paati's Bond

2006-12-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

It all started off with an innocuous question. But I was too naive to understand the DOuble entendres. The rest of the questions were cleverly coated with extreme sweetness and innocence that I had no idea that I had inadvertently started an endless domino. It was only when the very last block landed, did I realize its dire consequences.
Well, you must be in the same position as I was right now. What am I talking about? Travel back a few hours behind with me.
It was a beautiful and lazy morning. I was enjoying my winter holidays at my Mami’s house. Not surprisingly, owing to the holiday season, there were loads of people in the house. Among them was a Paati. She was one of those typical grandmothers. Wife of a retired government official, had seen the ups and downs of life, seen her sons and daughters well settled and now gleaming at the American accent of her grandchildren, with absolutely no idea what they were telling her.

While I was enjoying my breakfast, the paati struck a conversation with me. Since I was pretty new to the family (for my mami is not a direct Mami. If there was a 5th mami (like 5th cousin), then she would fit in there) I was drilled with loads of questions about my family. I didn’t suspect a thing when I was asked these questions.
After she had a thorough control over my family details, she went on to ask about my academic qualifications. She had a very smug look when I said I was doing my masters. I sensed a feeling of approval from her. She spaced out for a while, but I felt that it was too quick to think about anything. But, little did I know that the minds of Paatis were wired in a brilliant fashion that they had the uncanny ability to think at super fast speeds. Next came the question about my culinary skills and I received a positive nod when I told her about my excellent cooking skills. The rest of the questions were asked with undecipherable enthusiasm that I began to suspect something, but couldn’t exactly see where the conversation was leading to. My hold on Vedas were questioned, my future plans (both near and far) were discussed ( I was also given lots of suggestions about it!), my gothram, my star of birth were queried Thus started the supreme domino effect.
Now, if you are wondering why I was being asked all these things, then you too fall under the ‘too innocent’ category. But if you have figured out the reason, then I bet you too have also experienced this grueling experience.
As I was finishing off my breakfast, the big fat evil mother of all questions was aimed at me with ultimate accuracy. “There is a girl in my family. She has completed her engineering in Madras. We are looking to marry her off….”. I coughed out my entire breakfast and almost choked. It was then that I realized the hidden meaning behind the whole conversation.
Lighting flashed, earth rumbled, trees caught fire. Horses neighed; fish circled in water and all those things.
But before the deadly weapon could destroy me, my ever helpful mami came to the rescue and shunned the paati from even thinking about it, for I was too young for that.
Next time a Paati asks you innocent looking questions, remember, everything in the world has a purpose.

Just one line

2006-12-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

" This Freezing weather is freezing my flow of 'thaw't"

- Dedicated to Mekhala :P

Nailing it on Evolution's head

2006-11-29T08:48:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that the reason for the dense growth of Hair (on the head) and the nails (in the hands and toes) was because nerve concentration was highest in these areas. Now this made, the great philosopher of modern times (yea… that’s Me!) wonder.

During the evolution of man, I think a serious mistake was made by Nature. I am not accusing her of giving us nails and hair, but I think she mixed up the placement of these two. How, you may ask. Well, according to Darwin, man evolved from Monkeys, more specifically, from Gorillas. Now Gorillas are pretty docile creatures, as they seldom hunt. They are vegetarians and the only reason they used their nails was to pluck out fleas from their friends.

Now, Gorillas also climb trees and fight with each other. While climbing, (since nothing in the world is 100% ideal) they tend to slip and fall down, which causes injuries. The most serious being head injuries. The same thing happens when Gorillas fight each other. They get injured in the head. Now, if the nail had grown on the head, instead of the fingers, it would have been an amazing shield. It would have acted like a natural helmet against such accidents.

Most interestingly, nail is nothing but modified hair (with a tough protein called Keratin). Why didn’t the hair on the head get condensed to form the natural helmet? Answer: The blunder of Nature.

This would have solved several social crises we have in the society now, which is caused by head hair (which from now on shall be called Mother nature’s Atrocious ERRor or “MaERR” for short). For a start, all the Homo sapiens, especially, Male Homo sapiens who suffer from baldness would not be ridiculed if we had evolved into creatures having nail on our head. Thus incredible amount of money on cosmetics could be saved, which is now spent on trying to re-grow hair, curling hair, straightening hair and cutting hair. Even husbands of rather finicky women, would have saved several billions which could have been used for a rather good cause.

The rule makers of wrestling matches wouldn’t have had to painstakingly make a rule (which in turn makes them lose hair) to not clutch or pull a rival’s hair when a match is going on.

Military generals and leaders wouldn’t have had to punish or demote their sub-ordinates for having long hair. In fact the military would have even saved several millions by not making helmets for their soldiers. After all they would have an amazing nature made head protection.

School children, especially in strict schools, would have spent less painful hours with their teachers, when they let their hair grow. Some teachers even tend to pull the student by their hair to inflict punishment.

And I could go on giving numerous reasons and explanations for having a nail on the head. But these are all needless reflections. But it is not too late. Evolution might take several millenniums, but we have to help out future generations. So, from now on when you get into a fight, try attacking your opponent headlong, so that after some million years, (when this practice is followed continually) we might end up with a nail on the head. Also, try to condense ur hair into a thick pack (with gel, cement, Plaster of Paris or super glue) continuously and pass on this practice to the future generations (as a family tradition), for my hope is that in the future, we might start producing Keratin, thus forming a nail in the place of MaERR.

If you don’t follow these methods, then MaERR-a pochu!

Best Recipe I have ever created! - La recette du Saba

2006-11-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

Living alone (well, almost) churns out the best creative talent in you. Or so I believe. This is the holiday season and it is too cold to go outside. What do you do to keep yourself warm?......
Stand next to the stove! Cook something! Invent something (edible)! And thats exactly what I did and came out with an amaaaaazing recipe which I have named "La recette du Saba"
It is incredibly simple and takes a total of ~15 mins to cook.
Here goes (Serves 1)
Ingredients needed:
One cup Pasta (any kind, shape , size or classification)
Diced Tomato 1/2 cup
Mixed vegetable of you choice, preferably Capsicum, Carrot, peas, corn or whatever leftover vegetable u feel like throwing into a cooking pot
Orange juice - 1/2 cup
Sabji Masala or Garam Masala - 1/2 spoon (Actually any masala u can get hold of, Like Pav Bhaji Masala or even Maggi Masala!)
Salt to taste (This is an irritating statement, so.. for amateurs, ~ a bit more than 1/4 spoon)
Chilli powder - 1/2 spoon (or non if u r not the 'hot' type)
Oregano (if u have)

And thats it

Now, take the pasta and put it into a microwave bowl along with the vegetables (Not the tomato) and fill the bowl with water. Microwave for 11 minutes.
Once done, drain the water and keep the pasta and vegetable in bowl.
Now, take a vessel big enough to cook the pasta and pour 1 Tablespoon vegetable oil (or Olive oil for those who like it) and heat it.
While it is getting heated, in the bowl containing the pasta, add all the ingredients mentioned above. (i.e. Tomato, Sabji Masala, Salt, Chilli Powder, Oregano et all except Orange juice). Mix it well.
Once the oil is heated, put all the ingredients in the cooking pot and stir it. Now add the orange juice and cook till all the water in the orange juice evapourates. Keep stirring occasionally, as the pasta tends to stick on to the vessel after a while.
Thats it!!
Eat and enjoy!! Comments (after trying it out) are most welcome!

Black

2006-08-10T09:56:00.001-07:00

Paranoia, delusions, mirages in broad daylight dreams, strange prophecies, uncontrollable moments, addiction, apprehension, evil gypsies and the synonyms of the above mentioned words buzzed past my otherwise normal life. I stifled awake. I was sweating profusely and my brain had shrunk.

Something was happening to my milieu. There was something abnormal about my apartment. I could sense movement in the air. The usual buzz of the atmospheric taming unit had stopped. My computational gadget had stopped ogling with its CRT. The heating device which uses electromagnetic waves of frequency approximately 2450 MHz had also stopped functioning. Adding to all this was the deep resonating sound of the strange being in my apartment, which the Germans call ‘Raumgehilfe’.
I could hear of the sound of my breath. The silence in the room, sans Raumgehilfe’s peaceful hums ranging around 55 decibels, was heavy. I knew there was something happening below my apartment. I could feel the movement. Suddenly…..
“Knock knock knock”
I trembled when my front door was knocked. There was calling bell, but the stranger outside my fortress was trying to barge in. I slowly walked to the door and opened it. The strange man standing in front of me said something, but I was too distracted to listen to him. All of a sudden, a grey shadow crept behind me. Intuitively I knew it had to be ‘Raumgehilfe’, for the apartment had become completely silent. The strange man outside the door and Raumgehilfe conversed. They seemed be exchanging laughter. I shrunk behind my sofa, sweating.
Raumgehilfe came up to me. He looked sedated, but I knew that was hoax. I gulped down a ton of saliva, expecting great disaster.
“THE POWER….”

-------FLASH!!!!!!--------

I didn’t want to hear anymore. I knew it! The air condition started working, my computer lit up and the microwave gave its usual beep. I was jumping with joy. The power was gone for almost 10 minutes!
My roommate, who had been asleep, in spite of the heat, had been told by the maintenance guy that the power will be up any moment.
Phew! Benjamin Franklin is indeed great to have given us electricity!

DCBAs ---> (Highly confused ABCDs)

2006-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

A recent visit to one of my relative’s place gave a very clear picture of the life of ABCD iyers in USA.
The erudition began with me getting invited to a pooja in one of my (many) uncle’s house, which not surprisingly were weighted down by a bouquet ABCD cousins. One of the many reasons for the pooja was to enlighten and delineate those ABCDs with Indian culture and conventions.
As with many Indian habitual delays, the pooja scheduled for 6:00pm was deferred by an hour. The crowd was yet to gather. I had gone 5 hours early for the pooja, as I had craved for home food and this was a perfect opportunity to foray. This also provided a fabulous inspiration to write this.
The multitude of people expected was an enigma, for I came to know about the dude who claimed to share an avuncular relationship with me, just a month ago. But that is a different story. But the surprising factor was the pattern of the crowd. The first to arrive was the typical ‘athimber’ of the family. I think ‘athimbers’ have an inherent property, where in, during the passage of time, the members of the family actually forget how this ‘athimber’ is related. And so, this athimber fellow, with the white veshti and nice white, streamlined pattai, walked in first. Then a hustle of mamas joined after a while, with a flock of sugar-high ABCD kids.
The female part of the family (which included Mamis, Athais, and paatis) also joined.( I don’t know why, but most female members, whose sons or husbands are in USA, have this smug look in their face) So, all these members with smug faces went back and forth from the kitchen to the pooja room, while taking with them the pooja utensils.
The whole, expected crowd had assembled and it was time. Again, as typical it is, the male members of the family gathered in the hall and the conversation, as it often happens, was started by the athimber.
This is the gist of the (usual) conversation:
… “India urupadaadhu…mmmm…never, I say”
… “Football match paatthiyo?.. Whatever it is , Zidane shouldn’t have done that, I say”
… “ yemma, pooja saaman ellaam ready-o?”
… “athimber….”
… “…. India urupadaadhu, I say ”
… “andhagaalathula, naan school padikumpodhu…. Etc etc .. I say”
… “T.M.S maadhiri.. TMS da.. T.M.Soundharaajan, maadhiri ippo yaarume paadaradhu illa, I say”
… “Sehwag should retire, what do you say?”

And so on and so forth. While this is intellectual one-man conversation is going on, the ABCDs (with some inane fancy Tamil names, which even they can’t pronounce), who are entirely unaware of what their ‘athimber’ is sprawling about, continue to have their own conversations, in Americanized English, punctuated by highly Americanized Tamil, among themselves, which are as follows:
… “Hey Nidhi (short for Nivedhita) , when aaare you going to Eeendia?”
… “That guy is such a bore , you know?”
… “So, then, I started to ask my Atthai for some sweets, you know, when she…., you know…. Gave that stare, you know….”
… “I really, you know, hope they start the poooojha real quick, you know, I am, you know, starving”
… “ that guy looks kinda cute “
… “You know, I think, I should help myself with those ‘baaakshanaams’, you know”

And so on and so forth.

And then, at last the much anticipated event occurred. The pooja (pronounced as Poooojha, poojai, puja, poja, pooja etc). The uncle (by this time, all were introduced to me as mama, (for male) and mami (for female)) in charge of heading the pooja sat in a hearth rug, with Winnie the pooh printed on it, in front of an assortment of Gods. The ABCDs, had all, by now dressed neatly and after much glaring and cajoling, wore Indian traditional clothes.
My uncle, who had stopped uttering Sanskrit words the moment he left India (which was roughly 12 years ago), suddenly realized that he didn’t know even one Sloka, by heart. Thus, began the massacre of the ancient language. (No wonder, people call it the dead language). The Gods, being extremely benevolent, would have forgiven any abuses heaped on them in Sanskrit. While the butchery was going on, the ABCDs and their corresponding blood relations were immersed in deep devotion. They had compellingly closed their eyes shut and held their palms closed. (I initially thought they were trying very hard to resist their temptation to eat one of the sweets kept as prasadam). All the while, one of the mamis was wielding a digital camera and complacently talking snaps of her daughter (immersed in devotion), her husband (immersed in a confused devotion) and her 2nd daughter (immersed in confusion).
When the time for singing came, it was the time for the richly deserved, proud ABCDs, to slaughter Tamil songs. I was extremely happy that the likes of Subramanya Bharathi and BharthiDasan had gone to visit the crowd invisible, for if they had chanced upon these ABCD version of their songs, they would have instantly become ex-poets.

After almost, a windingly long ½ hours, the pooja ended (Victory was ours!) and like magic the ABCDs changed their costumes and again like magic the food also vanished.
Thus ended an eventful day in the life of the ABCDs.

Who nose?

2006-06-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

One of the 5 sensory organs, then nose is not given much importance in the hierarchy of sensory organs. Humans around me ask me not to read in dim light, they ask me not to hear loud music, they ask me not to touch fire, they ask me not to eat unknown substances, but…. They never tell me not to smell something toxic or not to breathe.
Why is this? Once again, world renowned psychologist and human behavior analyzer, ME, pondered over this fact.
The nose is nothing but a small part of the small face. It is formed because of the skull, one fine day, decided it needed a hole in its front to improve its look and thus the mouth was born. Then it decided that it needed holes to make it more attractive and thus the eyes were punched in. then it was wondering how else it can beautify itself, and then came the idea of nose. The nose was formed very differently from the rest of the sensory organs. Unlike the eyes, where the hole never really aids, if it were not for the eyeballs and incongruent to the formation of the mouth , where the skull discovered that it had been tricked into thinking it was hole, whereas it was really a crevice formed due to the jaw bone. The nose is a small protrusion of the skull, over which the skin was made to grow, like money plants growing over the banyan tree. And thus the nose was born.
The nose helps us in inhaling toxic and noxious gases and exhales a relatively less lethal gas in the form of Carbon Dioxide. This process was being followed ever since humans started thriving on this planet. This course of action took place without our knowledge and thus we just took it for granted.
The nose, although it did a very good job out of it, it was not given due respect. Due to immense fury, it once stopped functioning and that was when the 1st man died. A blind man breathes, a dumb man breathes, a deaf man breathes, a man in coma breaths, but you cannot find one living person on earth who has the disability of breathing.
So from now on, give respect to your nose and pray to it that it functions properly, lest it makes you differently abled person, who doesn’t move or talk or roll his eyes etc etc, for you are dead.

Intro to an introvert

2006-03-15T04:23:00.000-08:00

The last few days has been pretty hectic. I wouldn't blame it on the grad school pressure.It was more of self applied force.
My thoughts just flew across my mind and I was self analyzing myself. What am I? Who am I? What has happened in the past 22 years? Can I surmize those years and tell someone that this is what I have done? Am I a jovial person? Am I creative? Can I make someone laugh? Do, what I speak make sense? Does the status given to me by the people around me, come out of pure respect or is it just a mask worn by them? What do I like? What do others like? Can I make it big? What do I want? What else do I want?
All these questions were lingering in my brain and mind this morning at 7:30am on Wednesday, 15th March in Philadelphia.
These were all very swift thoughts and they just came by suddenly. I then realized that I am ........ I don't know!

Phone is dead....

2006-02-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

After an indept analysis and research I have come to a conclusion that you should never name yourself or your child or for that matter anyone as Phone or Telephone when you have an authority to name. The reason was deduced after several strange instances that were tested by the great philosophical thinker of modern era - Me.
When a person whose name is Phone is being called, the person is confronted with an immense doubt of whether he should first ring and then answer or just answer back. The person will then face extreme mental trauma , as he will get confused. Moreover when Phone wants to make a call, he has to first verify if it is technically possible for Phone to use a phone to call another phone. Because of this technical confrontation , in most cases, the person called Phone will not use the phone or any other newer communication method, which is based on the basic concept of phone (such as Cell phone etc..) as it involves too much thinking. Because of this Phone may cease to utilize modern technologies and become redundant in the ever evolving human society.
During his younger years, when elders want to call him by his pet name they tend to call him Phoney (Just like John is called Johney and Tom is called Tommy). This might and in most cases WILL cause psychological imprintation of the name and thus Phone in his later years may really turn out to be a phoney person and may cause threat to the society.
While delving into the subject of society, I wish to make this observation also made public. People will not grasp the importance of the social events that take place in Phone's life. For example his engagement will be considered trivial, as a phone tends to be engaged most of the time. Although his marriage will be considered a very rare occasion as phones can only be engaged and not married.
The birth of Phone will be critizied by english experts , and will be corrected as 'Phone is installed' , although 'Phone is Born' is grammatically precise, as Phone is a person and not a phone. The death of Phone will not be attended by many. This is because a phone tends to die often and the usage of the phrase 'Phone is dead' has become very common these days. But there might be another extreme to this case. If the person Phone is a very friendly fellow, his friends and relative may end up in his house for mourning more often than going to the bathroom as there will be constant news that the Phone is dead. Although the person Phone in reality will be alive.
After making all these observations and thinking, I strongly advice people not to name themselves or others as Phone, as it may lead to dire consequences.

I am back (U know how to read that ! )

2005-12-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

Ok... I am back with my rambles. You might have wondered where I was all these days. It is quite obvious that I was hibernating but where? Why? And all the other words that have the authority to have a question mark after them. All these questions were lingering in my brain (!) for quite some time. Before the ‘hibernating’ blog, I felt I was reasonably prolific and thoughts just kept mutating into words thro’ my keyboard. But all of a sudden, they just stopped. Thoughts failed to continue. My mind was beginning to get scattered. My psyche resembled the Caribbean islands. Dispersed, scattered and constantly bowling fast wide balls.
So, why did this happen? Was it because my keyboard and brain in an attempt to become wireless, ended up cutting the connection totally? Or, have I developed dyslexia?
Thanks to Mr. Umberto Eco, all these questions revealed an answer. (Ok, for those wondering, how he came into the picture, here is the explanation. I was reading Kant and the platypus, by the same author. As I was going thro’ it, I turned the book and saw that the book was categorized a ‘Philosophy’. This rang a bell in my head. So, I decided to handle the problem, philosophically! ). All the while, I was blogging because ‘I’ wanted to. But later, I was blogging because I envisaged people reading my blog. This made me THINK, before I wrote something. Which I realized was ruining the flow of thoughts.
So, as my New Year resolution, I have decided NOT to THINK before I blog!
Incase you have read up to this line, I must congratulate you for being so very enduring, as you have just read some capricious string of words in action!

Going to the Greatest nation on earth....

2005-10-30T01:13:00.000-08:00

This Blogger is Going to the greatest and the biggest nation in the universe.... The nation mostly occupied by bears and chipmunks..... The nation called -----> HIBERNATION

Feats of the Goddess...

2005-10-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Lord Balaji’s consort Padmavathi is considered the chastest of all the Goddesses. She is so pure that you can actually see only her face, while other parts are fully decked with jewels and rich silk sari. In Srirangam , the abode of Ranganthar (Sleeping version of Mr.Balaji) , Mrs. Ranganathar happens to show here feet only once a year. (In Sanathana Dharma, the feet are considered the most sacred) Incidentally, I happened to be in Srirangam during this perennial event, last week.

We (my family, consisting of my father, mother, G-father and G-mother) reached the temple and noticed the notice which was kept in a noticeable place that this notable event was going to take place that day. We rushed to the place and realized that we were a bit too early. But stalwarts who have had many experiences in these matters had arrived almost an hour early to bear witness to this episode. I should mention the fact that all Vaishnavites display their belief by smearing a large ‘Namam’ on their forehead (which seemed to have grown extra large due to generations of practice) Today being a very important day, the ‘namam’ seemed to be superfluously outsized, that it spread all over their bald heads! We somehow managed to reach the front and awaited the darshan. It was then that I came to know that the Goddess was brought out by the devotees in a palanquin and for a change; the Goddess herself came out for the devotees to have a look at her sacred feet.

There was a loud reverberation made by a conch that announced the arrival of the palanquin. This sound was accompanied by the thud of infinite drums and the clangs of other infinite bells. It was truly hair rising! It was then; that a real turn of events took place...... it was truly a ‘turn’......

It is my habit to look at the faces of people when I am in a crowd. It helps me in creating caricatures. Succumbing to this habit, I was gazing thro’ the thronging crowds(while I was being sandwiched) when I noticed a very beautiful face. A girl. She looked like a Goddess. In the south-west direction.

Like the sunflowers that face the sun, all the heads were turned towards the palanquin, except mine. I stared (I repeat, stared and didn’t letch) nonchalantly at that girl. My brain stopped working. It was partly because I was being pushed around like a victim of tsunami in the waves of people. At this juncture, my dad turned his head..... Not towards that girl (!) but at me, to check if I was having a good darshan from my position. I obviously didn’t notice this and continued my good work. My dad followed my gaze and saw what I had been seeing. Now, it was my mom’s turn. She saw my dad and followed his gaze. My grand father and grand mother followed next. This started a domino.

It is man’s nature to replicate actions; after all we are just better versions of monkeys. This instinct worked against me. Since some 5 odd faces were turned in another direction, other devotees around us thought some other distinct and unique happening was taking place in that direction. They deliberated that they were missing that occurrence (which I assume, they thought was more important than the feet) and turned their cranium towards our gaze. But like the “Hamunaptra” in ‘The Mummy’ movie, only I could spot the significance from my wonton place, while others wondered what I was gawking at.

The circumference of the curious gaze intensified and at one stage almost everyone was having a look at south-west direction, while the feet of Goddess Padmavathi was forgotten!

Here, again a turn of incidents took place. The wheel of gaze kept rolling. Eventually, the girl in the south-west direction turned towards the south-west direction to see what the sea of people were wanting to see. I could now see only the back of her head now. I lost my view. I suddenly realized the purpose of me being sandwiched and swiveled my head towards the feet of the Goddess. I am a religious fellow and mentally asked for forgiveness from the Goddess for getting distracted. This simple act helped the in switching on the reverse gear and the wheel of gaze (after a slow 2 minutes) came back to its original position.

By this time the palanquin carrying the Goddess (and her feet) started moving. This initiated the sea of devotees to move behind the palanquin. The moving shuffled the crowd. In spite of the outrageous decibel levels, a small voice inside me urged me to have a second look in the south-west. I turned once again, but I had lost sight.

After this many insignificant things happened, which are not worth describing. As we bade good bye to the temple and to the feet, a small voice (not from inside me, but from outside) called out. I apprehended that we were entitled to get the ‘prasadam’ (i.e.: offerings to the Goddess and later distributed to devotees, AKA hot, tasty food!). I instantly turned and extended my hand and received it. I was gulping the food (like a starved cannibal), when a small voice (this time, from inside me) said that someone was gazing at me. I responded and saw that it was THE girl who was staring at me with great disgust (for my hand was half hidden inside my mouth and the prasadam was half oozing out from my mouth).

"Exchange mates" (or sometimes called "The crossover")

2005-09-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

“Hello...?”
“Hello”
“Hello... yeah...Hi! Is Ashvin* there?”
“Who?”
“Ashvin”
<>
“No.. There is no one called Ashvin here.. But is Balaji* there?”
“Duh...Who?”
“Balaji... Balaji”
<>
“No.... Bu....but... Excuse me.. is it 24758946?”
“No.. ...but is that number 24785987?”
“No....I am sorry, I think I dialed the wrong number....”
<>
“You dialed? I was the one who dialed”
“What? !”

<>

This was the very brief conversation I struck with a guy; with whom I was gonna share a brief part of my life. I am Arvind, 21 years. Every time I pick up my phone receiver, I hear this dude, talking over to his people. It was a cross talk. I receive calls and he answers them and vice versa. Now, you might of seen many many movies involving people falling in love with men/women they have never met or friends who meet ‘online’ or business transactions that happen behind dark corners ( here again the persons involved never see each other) or visually challenged guys having a buddy relationship and so on and so forth. But in the first time in the history of man-kind, here is a story about two friends who have never met or never intended to talk, but became friends!

It all started when the telephone department guys started digging a grave right in front of my house. The grave was meant to bury the telephone cable. The irony was - the phone is the one which dies, but the cable gets buried! After some 5 hours of ‘work’, the telephone guys disperse, after moaning the death of the telephone. 5 minutes later, I receive a call.

“24769437?”
“Yes”
“Sir.... we are calling from the telephone exchange department... Is your phone working properly?”
“Yes it is”
<>

This is probably the stupidest question one can ever ask. To call up a guy and ask if his phone is in good condition. I hear the calling bell and I see the telephone guys standing in my porch. I give them Rs.10 for their ‘service’.

I picked up the receiver to make a call to a friend. The phone rang.

It was at this point I received that call. The call that paved way for my friendship with Mr. Crosstalk. I used to get his calls and he used to get my calls and I used to listen him talk and he used to listen my talk and all the other possible permutations you can think off. One fateful day, as I was getting ready to go to my friends place, the phone rang. After all these days of experience, I could sense the mind of the caller, whether he wanted me to talk or Mr. Crosstalk to talk. After 5 rings the ringing stopped and I knew it was for the latter. Out of inquisitiveness I picked up the phone to listen ‘him’ talk. The birth of the inquisitiveness was because he had a row with his girl friend (I think) last night and I wanted to know if the fight still prolonged. I listened and stayed silent.

“...........and be very careful, I heard the roads are totally flooded”
“Yeah, I also heard that cars were getting washed away”
“Really?... It does sound dangerous!.. We better be careful”

At this point of time, I couldn’t control my curiosity and I blurted

“What happened?”
“Hello?... Oh is it you again, crosstalk?”
“Yeah, I am sorry.. but what happened?”
“Didn’t you know? Tsunami has struck dude!”
<>

I did know that there was guy next to my house called T.S.Mani, but who on earth was T.Su.Mani?

“T.Su.Mani? Who is that?”
“Hey! It is not T.Su.Mani.. It is Tsunami. A giant wave that has caused havoc in Chennai and is flooding our city”
“Are you serious?”
<>
“Yeah. Just turn on any channel on the TV. It’s the same news everywhere!”

And, this was how I came to know about tsunami. He had saved my life.

The next day, I picked up my phone and waited. Atlast! ........... I could hear him dialing! He had picked up his phone.
“Hello!! Crosstalk... We need to talk! “
“Hey crosstalk.. Why r you always there when I call? This is very important dude.. will talk to you later”
“No no.. wait...! i owe you one! Yesterday, you saved my life! I would have been a victim of tsunami, if you hadn’t warmed me about it!”
“Dude! That was nothing!”
“No, no... I am really thankful to you! We must meet!”
“Oh! Sure!”
“Where do you live?”
“Do you know ................?

Silence.....

I couldn’t hear anything. The phone was dead. I heard the calling bell ring. It was the telephone department guys. They had exhumed the grave. Someone had complained about their telephone being dead and these fellows had investigated this murder. And apparently, they had bought the dead back to life and closed the case. Now, they were standing to receive their allowance. I paid them Rs.10 and went in..........sad<>. I had lost a friend. I was feeling miserable, when the phone rang.
I rushed towards the phone, with my heart pregnant with high hopes of hearing my friend talk. I picked up the receiver.

“Crosstalk?”
“24769437?”
“Yes”
“Sir.... we are calling from the telephone exchange department... Is your phone working properly?”
“Yes it is”
<>

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Name changed to protect the identity.
PS: All the conversations in << >> were spoken by the real guys to which the call was being made.

Small Medium at Large

2005-09-20T01:30:00.000-07:00

After patiently waiting for 7 months ( or was it 8?!!) , my hair grew to astounding lengths. The middle portion of my head was covered with long tangles of hair, while the humbler hairs that prefered to grow on the said of my head, curled up my ears. After all this careful nurturing, I sported a leonine appearance. I looked like a gentlelion (in relation to gentleman), i.e.: I was clean shaven, but with lots of mane on top of my head.
Then one day, the members of my pride started complaining. They weren't too happy about my looks. The older members of my pride came near me, felt my head and gave a disgusting grunt and left the place. It is my own theory that the geriatrics is always jealous, when it comes to grabbing attention. If they don't get attention, they will pull it towards them, by criticizing the person who gets it. The younger generations always like mavericks. They simply adored my look. They gave all kinds of allusions and they dreamed that one day, when they are old enough they can also grow their hair. Their only aim in life would be to grow big, so that they can grow hair.
I was numb to all these things. I held my head high in front of those cubs and camouflaged when the older came by. But due to year’s o experience they had gathered they usually spot me and grunted their disapproval. This grunting slowly morphed into whining, which in turn morphed into a low growl.... until one day , they let out their loudest and most fierce some growl! They adamantly wanted my hair to be cut.
I obliged....
I walked up to the place. It was dark. I entered a room. It was a saloon. Those waiting to have their hair cut gave a ha-ha-ha-ha-so-u-have-also-been-forced-to-have-a-hair-cut look, while those who already had a hair cut gave a mixed look of jeolousy (because of my hair) and pity (for I was soon gonna lose it! ). I sat down on a stool and awaited my turn, like a goat that was gonna be sacrificed.
For those who have not witnessed goat sacrifice, I will give you a detailed account. The plumpest goat among the lot is selected. By this time the goat senses that something is wrong, and refuses to come. It stands stubbornly on the ground, but the man's physical strength is more than the goats. The goat gets nicely dressed (not dressed as in cooking, but dressed as in to please the Gods--- after all they like a well dressed goat) and placed on the altar. Water is sprayed onto the face and then................................................SWISH! (Rating PG: Some scenes are not healthy for children)
Now that you have a complete account of what happens during a sacrifice, lemme come back to my story. The barber looked around to the select the person with most hair. His evil eyes scan the place. Alas! His eyes are fixed on me. I quickly think of something and politely ask the person next to me to go. That person gives a pleading look in his eyes and turns his head away from me. The barber still hasn't taken his eyes off me. I am given no other choice. I walk up to the chair. The barber then takes a white cloth and wraps it around me ( I bet his eyes glinted with evil ) .He takes out his gun and points it at my head. I begin to shiver. His fingers are on the trigger.....................................................PPpppsssssssssssssppspsssssssttttt. The water from the can is sprayed on my head.
Like a huge lawn mower running berserk, the barber utilized all his skill acquired over the years to mow my hair. After 20 agonizing minutes, I look into the mirror in front of me. My previous leonine appearence now looked more simian.
My face had become big, my ears were protruding, my eyes were smaller and.... my hair was short. I pay him for his work and look longingly at my friends who were looong dead. They had stayed with me for 7 long months (or was it 8?) and never did they let me down.
I return back to my house where I was greeted with extreme joy! They were jumping, looking happy and bubbling with energy. They were behaving like monkeys. Actually they looked like monkeys.... Oh my God! It is too late.. They are monkeys! I had been fooled! They were actually monkeys in lions clothing. Damn!

Man, mosquito and Mosquito coils

2005-09-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

"The day when man started to work and invent, was the day when he felt threatened. Threatened by wild animals, threatened by fellow beings, threatened by natural disasters etc etc... In involving ourselves and digging deeper into the roots of anthropology, it is quite evident that man used one element of threat to drive away another danger. For example, Fire was something that fascinated and scared man. He learnt to handle it and then used it initially to protect himself from animals and beasts.

Man learns from his past, his community's past, his country's past and at last undergoes a by pass when he is unable to undergo furthur damage to his life. That is a different issue. Learning from the above example, man has always used fire as a means of protection. Be it animals or humans. Evolving through the ages, man found that insects , especially mosquitoes were the greatest menace to his kind. Again, he used fire against it. He used smoke to drive it off. But smoke turned against man and killed him by generously supplying Carbon Di-Oxide. So , he had to think of something else.... Thus by continuous efforts and ages of agony, the Mosquito Coil was invented!

It is one of the best inventions of man-kind. It produces small puffs of smoke, beautifully mixed with killer chemicals and supposedly soothing aroma. The design is also very innovative as everyone knows.

The fire that burns with a dim orangish glow slowly engulfs the green part of the coil and leaves behind the ashes. The by products also include Smoke, chemicals and semi conscious mosquitoes. "

M1: "Dude this looks amazing! Ain't it? U gets free dope in this house"
M2: "Yeah! Come on lets buzz into that house! "

(Later)

M1:" This thing sure is powerful. Just one whiff and u get transported to heaven"
M2: " O.. yea... bro... what is this dope called? "
M1: “Hold on..... mmmm... itz called Good knight "

Thus ends day one of two teenage mosquitoes who were reading "Man, mosquito and mosquito coils"

Star gazing....

2005-09-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

No no no no.. this has nothing to do with Hollywood, bollywood, kollywood or robinhood....and for your info it has nothing to do with stars either. Not even real twinkle twinkle little stars.

Today is a very special day for the astronomers and astrologers (both are the same according to me.....astronomer looks at the sky, astrologers look at the kai (hand)... thatz the only difference) . Today is the day when Jupiter and Venus come together. They are seen with the naked eye. U don't need telescope. All u need is a good scope to watch it. Almost all the channels are frenzy about this discovery. And people for once leave their Mega serials and cinemas to watch this spectacle.SO?.. I mean... just view this from a higher perspective. They are just two planets. Two large boulders revolving around a huge ball of fire. Thatz it. Whatz the big deal? My sister calls up, my aunt calls up, my paati couldn't call up because her cell phone couldn't get signal and my mom called from downstairs to watch these two chunks of useless things come together. I get pushed and cajoled into watching that. I have to survive in this community.

Then at last, after unlocking some 45674 locks, I go to my terrace. According to the experts, stars and planets are better seen from a height. I am just below 6 feet and I argue to these experts that I can watch it from just below six feet above the ground, they never mentioned the exact height, but..... NO! I have to watch it from the terrace. As mentioned before, I landed up on my terrace. It is the least visited place in my life. Just like anacondas hate Antarctica, I hate my terrace. It is a vast place, with no vegetation and human lives. But today, it was bustling with activity. Yeah, I could spot one life form. ME.

I get a feeling of sitting in a horror movie. I twist and turn, but I am yet to find those monsters. I know it is in there somewhere, but I can't see it. The irony is , u can see it only when it is dark. I could see coconut trees and other unknown vegetation looming below me (I am in the terrace, remember?). A chilling breeze blew across my face. This breeze pushed my face like a wind boat and then slowed down. My face faced the south-west direction. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I spotted them! Yes!

It was like seeing two evil eyes that gleam out of a thicket. But there was no thicket here. Only the dark sky and those eyes.

They stare at me. I stare at them. I kept staring and they kept staring back. My eyes starts to dry a bit. The natural mechanism in my eyes sprayed a bit of salty water in my eyes. Itz a bit too much. The water overflows. I lost! I blinked my eyes, while those evil eyes didn't blink even for a second. Then I realized. They were planets and they don't blink! (Twinkle)
So, after a succesful mission on planet- TRS, I come back to earth. I locked all the doors (security reasons) and came downstairs. My mom was jumping up and down. I thought the gravity had reduced to 4.5 on earth (rather than 9.8). Then, I began to wonder if this was earth or moon! Did the experts shift my house to the moon to have a better look? (Moon is at a greater height. if u want a proof. You don't look straight or below the ground to spot the moon, do u? U stare in the upward direction. So............ the moon is at a greater height! ) .

No. They didn’t. It was just my mom on earth, asking me the mission minutes. What could I say? That I saw them? I couldn't. I had to make it exciting and thrilling. So I went into the details. I told her that the planets were extremely good looking. It is the best thing on earth (though they are not on earth) and all those people who couldn't , wouldn't and didn't want to see it were all not blessed and so on and so forth.... My mom was happy. Then I had to recall my adventures with some more exciting additions to my sister, aunt and paati (Paati, apparently called up, when I was in the mission) .They were all happy.

What makes them happy? Those planets? No! Definitely not. It was me, who watched those planets, which made them happy. They were all happy because I had endorsed their discovery as an amazing and scintillating one!
Thus ends the 1st episode of Star trek (To heck with it).

Bus...!!! Stop!! < Get it? >

2005-08-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Traveling in a train is a fancy that any kid will nurture. It is fun. There are many reasons for it. It makes the rhythmic beat, it is faster than the average automobile and it has lots of space to run around. The mix of sugar and caffeine fluids sold during the journey makes them high. This further increases the excitement.

Hey, this sounds like an article written by a child psychologist. Whatz ur point? ............ Duh... It is like this. I was traveling by an electric train the other day.
SO?!!!

Whatever....

Then, there is this bus. On roads, I prefer my ever present scooter. A kinetic honda. It is a very old model, almost a collector’s edition. It gives a mileage of probably 10 or 12, which is relatively low for a 2 wheeler (Cycles are not considered). ..... Yeah.. about these buses. I stand in the grueling heat, waiting for all the smoke machines to pass. I have to cross the road with my collectible. The road is almost clear, expect for one lone 50 cc vehicle which was bought getting some loan, increases the average decibel level of the area. It announces itz arrival with a loud “VRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”, that a blind man would think it was a Harley Davidson. I wait for it to pass. It moves past me. My ancestral origin is now being questioned. I had become black. My countenance is reflected in the mirror. I get shocked. I was afraid that my pigments had mutated. I rub my face with my hand. Now my palm pigments get mutated. It took a while to realize that it was coke. Yeah, it is pure black carbon, right out from the loaned vehicle. I am relieved.

My head makes a 30 degree twist on the XZ plane once again to see if any other gene mutating aliens came by. There it was! It could be seen from a very long distance and I trembled on the mere thought of crossing the road. It was a magical vehicle. It defies the laws of physics. It has a huge TIN body, which weighs a ton. It is not statically or dynamically balanced, but still it stays curiously on top of 6 wheels. I doubt if those so called wheels are really wheels, because a wheel is supposed to be circular. But this one is a mix between oval and a rhombus. But still, it manages to move on the road. It carries a huge load of Homo sapiens. Their origin now comes of good use. Their natural instincts to climb trees and swing from branch to branch have slightly been improved by the development of mankind’s brain. Instead of using their arms and physical prowess to jump from tree to tree, they are now just clinging on to their invention to move from place to place.

In the national geographic channel, I have often seen lions and their life history. A new mom, (lioness) after doing its duties to itz cubs, it pretends to ignore them. It just keeps walking away, while the cubs hamper around and behind the lioness to grab her attention. This is exactly how the bus moved. As it ignored all the smaller vehicles around it, the smaller automobiles hampered around the bus to somehow squeeze thro the small, but, hopeful gap that the bus provides in the space it occupies on the road.
As the bus crosses the road, a small light of hope passes my face. I can cross the road at last! But no.... the less fortunate vehicles that couldn’t find their gap in overtaking the bus (and as in any group, the less fortunate are in large numbers!) , honk and obediently follow the bus. As they bus goes a long distance, all the smaller vehicles also clear the road. Good!

I cross the road.

Earthlings!! Behold!

2005-08-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hey! I am quite surprised! I am actually blogging!... Now. wait. Where was I? ....... Yeah! One of my friends, whom I met in an online community said that she was a down-to-earth person. The immediate thought that flashed across my mind (for regular readers of my rambles, ... yeah! I changed it to flashing mode... now don't disturb my flow!) was.... "Hey! Everyones down-to-earth" . I mean, every human being is down on earth! Now I feel stupid! Infact I also bet that u too feel the same about me! "Hey Moron! Thatz a figure of speech!"

I think I would have done wonders if I had studied archeology! When something sounds stupid and also makes me feel stupid, I start digging into itz root. "You should have been a tree!.. that would atleast help you dig deeper,with your own roots" So, I start searching for the root behind the figure of speech 'Down-to-Earth'.

I guess it all started with the figure of speech that indirectly meant, that a man was too proud or haughty. It is 'His nose is in the air'. Now when someone says your nose is in the air, he also means indirectly that he hates you! Now thatz a different subject.. I am digressing.

Coming back. When the nose is in the air, it automatically means that your 'head is held high', which in turn means that your head is not on the ground but is above it! Right?!!
So, I assume that , ' Down-to-earth' means, your head is not above the ground!

Once again, my brain/mind (both are the same according to me) flashes! I am immedialtly reminded of an ostrich. People working for the National Geographic have given affidavits that Ostriches bury their head into the ground when it sees an enemy (who else, but predators! .. No , no not the arnold movie! ) approaching it.
So, does that mean that ostriches are also down to earth, when they are threatened or frightened? But again! Ostriches have very very tiny brains in their tiny head.
Borrowing some of Darwin's theory, I am hereby presenting a corollary. Ostriches have elongated necks because........ their brains are so light that they float in air, which in turn resulted in their present looks!

Assuming that this corollary is correct (Of course it is correct! This is my blog and I write what I want !), how can ostriches be 'down-to-earth'? Itz actually 'light headed'!

Hey hey hey!... Does this mean, what I think it means? Does that mean that all the proud people are morons? I mean, just connect these two.... Proud people , hold their head high in air, and foolish people are refered (by nuetral people) to as light headed and a light head floats , which means it is held high in air!!!

Whew!....
Shakespear and Darwin would have adored me! Pity I wasn't born in the rennaisance period....
Hey I left Newton... He too would have been proud of me! I would have held my head high in air!
"Hey .. Damn you!..Leave this place , it has caused an extensive and mass death"

PS: All the quotes in double quotes were made by my alter ego.

2005-08-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

Blogging has always been a matter of utter disinterest to me!... I thought it was just a waste of time, where people just rambled about their worries and life. For that matter, I still haven't changed my opinion!
Now you must be wondering "Then why on earth did u create a Blog account ? " ... I dunno... May be , its just to tell people "Hey! I am a blogger too!" ...
Man is a social animal. He has to live in the society. Living is no problem, but able to strike a chord with his fellow being is another thing! Most of my friends have a blog spot. When we have a get together ,the topic often finds its way (!) into this blog thing. This is where I get lost. I feel ignorant. But still, I point out my views that it is a useless thing and it is nothing but a mega waste of time.
Romans were supposed to have been the first civilization to pop up with the idea of Democracy ( Demo- People, cracy- Rule.... but in my point of view, its Demo- A demostration (refer dictionary.com for other meanings of demostration) and cracy - spelling mistake, its actually crazy). This concept of democracy is now deeply rooted n the minds of these demos, that when I point out that blogging is a waste of time, I get badly defeated in the polls ,100:1 , where 1 is my own vote.
Again a question might ring in your brain (if you have one that rings) . "If you are so much against blogging, then how come you typed so many words in the blog spot?" .... Duh!! You can't keep asking me questions! It is my blog spot ,and I do what ever I want to! ... Gawk!.. I fell in my own trap!.. Actually, it has just dawned into my brain( for your info, my brain is in vibrating mode, it doesn't ring) .... May be thatz why blogging is so impressive! People write what ever they feel like! It is their own space and they write what they want to!
"MORON! You are going against your idelogy" (that was my alter ego) ... Wait , wait, wait! That was a very late realization!
When I started registering for my own blog spot, the advt said the same thing!" It is your own space inthe web!"
Hey!... It is just stupendous!! Now I have just hit the theory behind realization of God! I know , I know! You want to ask " What crap? " ... But don't get disheartened! This time I am not going to be rude!...
We all know that God exists, right? (I am not talking to athiests). But we still don't have the proof that He exists. Now this is like the advt that I came across when I registered into this blog spot "It is your own space in the web". When I read that I knew that the blog existed , but I didn't realize it. Then I started writing stuff (This one, to be precise! ). Now I have realized it!
STOP! STOP! Enough! (TWMAE (That was my alter ego))
Ok! (TWM (That was me))
All my brain energy has been sapped because of my effort to attain realization (Not spirutual!! ), but mostly I think it is because of the constant vibration of my brain that caused all this energy failure. I guess I will recharge and come back!

OH NO! Power cut in my area due to maintence!