VCs in PCs.

The advent of the internet and consequently its popularity among jerks and idiots has given birth to several newly evolutionized forms of those mentioned above. As a person who grew up with the internet revolution, I came across several of these virtually challenged people (Or VCs as I call them).

1) The I-just-want-to-be-cool-and-so-I-am-“chatting”ly challenged or The Cerebrally Challenged

Ever come across friends who have just got an internet connection or just getting used to the internet? These fellows are usually attributed to the above syndrome. They log on to their chat clients ritualistically everyday and then ping whoever is online with the same question. They r completely mundane and have nothing to say what-so-ever. The typical conversation would be something like this

Virtually Challenged: Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Everyday User: Hey!

VC: How are you?

TEU: Fine

VC: Then?

TEU: Nothing

(After 5 mins)

VC: HULLO!!!!!

TEU: Yes

VC: You there?

TEU: Yes, I am

VC: What are you doing?

TEU: Nothing

VC: Then?

TEU: Nothing

(After 5 mins)

VC: HULLO!!

TEU: Hey. I am busy. Talk to you later.

The same conversation takes place everyday, day after day and these people can NEVER interpret the disinterest the everyday user glaringly shouts at them. The worst part is that the VCs don’t give a damn about you. They just want to chat or want to let you know that they can chat.

2) The I-am-the-virtual-leech-and-I-am-here-to-cling-on-to-you-till-eternity-ly challenged

These are probably the most irritating VCs. They are completely jobless and they vehemently assume that everyone on Earth is like them – Jobless. But unlike the Cerebrally challenged, they don’t log on to their chat clients everyday. They usually log on once a week or once every fortnight and then ping you. And that’s when they suck every second you have in your life and irritate the hell out of you. An example

VC: HEY!!!!

TEU: Hey!

(After all those Mundane questions like How are you? What are you doing? And so on..)

TEU: Dude, I need to go now. Seeya.

VC: Oh! So, you are soooooo busy is it? You won’t talk to me is it?

(TEU is now in a predicament. He doesn’t hate VC, but he just wants stay away from him for that moment. So….)

TEU: No dude. Hell a lot of work and my boss is litrelly biting my head off.

VC: Ha ha ha ha!! Biting your head is it? How does he bite you? With his teeth?

(TEU is now irritated. He is tempted to ask VC to go hang himself, but he resists and so…)

TEU: Ha ha ha ha! No dude. Serious. I need to go now. Seeya.

VC: Dude, don’t make me laugh. I know you are not busy. You have an amazing sense of humor! HA HA HA HA!

TEU: Thanks. But I need to go now.

(The VC here is now alert. He wants to divert TEU)

VC: Dude, btw.. what plans for weekend?

(TEU: I want to kill you and probably feed you to the dogs)

TEU: Nothing much. Watching movies I guess.

VC: What movies?

(TEU: How to hack you and other shorts)

As you might have noticed, the VC here is very smart. He drives you to insanity and you are manipulated to keep him occupied. Now the heavy blow for you would come when you want to play his part as a revenge. So, when you ping him, he abruptly ends the conversation and goes offline. You might ask.. Why don’t TEUs do the same? Well, I guess, we are all the nice people.

On a side note, these people are for some strange reason obsessed with the thought that you might have a Boy friend or a Girl Friend and they pester you to tell stories about your them.

3) The I-want-to-tell-all-my-woes-to-you-ly challenged.

These VCs make your happy Sunshine life, dark and gloomy and at the end of the conversation, you would feel miserable as they would have sucked all the happiness from your life. They are lonely people who have no social skills. And feel comfortable talking to a person who doesn’t have a face, cannot avoid him and responds sympathetically - You. They start off by telling that they are leading a terrible life. Everything in their life is going the wrong way and so on. And then comes the part where they start feeling jealous about your life and exclaim how lucky you are as opposed to their miserable lives. And at the end, you feel so bad for leading such a good life and feel bad! And it somewhat goes like this….

TEU: Hey! How are you?!!!

VC: Bad dude.

(The usual answer for “How are you?” is “I am Fine” or something like that. So, another answer opposite to the prescribed answer throws you off guard)

TEU: Oh! Why, what happened?

VC: (Whine Whine Whine Cry cry cry Feel-bad Feel-Bad Feel-bad) (Put some 1000 sad looking smileys)

TEU: That’s terrible!

VC: Yea, so how are you then?

TEU: I am fine I guess. (The TEU is starting to become humble)

VC: You are soooo lucky! You are having a party as your life right?

TEU: Not really.

VC: Ah! Don’t lie! (Whine)

(At this point, you are slowly maneuvered to talk about imaginary miseries you have)

(But that doesn’t work too well)

So, these VCs have the same kind of conversations with you all the time and at some point of time you realize that the cause of all the miseries in your life is because of these VCs! Wise Everyday Users avoid these VCs after sometime. But nice people like me don’t have the heart to do it and thus still endure the torture.

4) The I-love-flooding-your-Inbox-with-forwards-ly challenged.

Whats with these VCs? They send nonsensical forwards, usually in large numbers with no reason at all! They flood your inbox with crap and later on someday when you talk to them, they question and quiz you about a particular forward they sent! That’s when you are left with no choice other than telling them that you don’t read their mails. So, problem solved? NO!

They insist that you read it and they send even more forwards and call you occasionally to check if you do read it. One word for all these VCs – Bastards.

5) The Orkutters

The Orkut fever has caught everyone. They are all excited about this new community network. ALL the above mentioned VCs conglomerate in this area. As you can imagine, the results are devastating! The most tormenting factor in here is that you have to be extra polite and politically correct because all your conversations are thrown open to the public!

The I-just-want-to-be-cool-and-so-I-am-“chatting”ly challenged scrap you everyday with the same question. The I-am-the-virtual-leech-and-I-am-here-to-cling-on-to-you-till-eternity-ly challenged bug you ALL the time! The I-want-to-tell-all-my-woes-to-you-ly challenged pour their woes and make you miserable and ofcourse Bastards send fwds to your Orkut Inbox on a hourly basis.

6) The “Big words” Blogger.

I will keep this short. After Blogging became a vogue, there are VCs out there who want to show off their “path breaking” writing skills. So, they write their posts in MS-Word, right click normal words and search for synonyms. This results in ugly sounding sentences, which to other VCs sound very erudite!

Personally, I think this is done by these VCs to compromise for their rather small… brain. And a classic example of one such VC is here.

There are many VCs whom I have left knowingly, unknowingly or even resisted the urge not to categorize them as VCs. Incase you have experienced a new breed of VCs somewhere, let me know. I am planning to start a new Anti-VC force called FISH OFF ( Freedom from Irritating Soul Hacking Online oFFenders) mainly to eradicate VCs who refuse to reform. FISH OFF members are given free Shoot-at-sight licenses. I might sound mean or even Eeeevil.. but what to do.. Such is life.

Ah! One more thing, if you feel you have one of the above traits of the VC, either try to reform or stay away from TEU’s good lives. And one MORE thing. If you feel I AM one of these fellows, let me know!! :P