Fun with depression

-DO NOT READ -

New York University came up with this online quiz where they tested if you had depression. Strange as it might sound, most people want to know about themselves, in spite of living with themselves their entire life. I am no exception. I wanted to know if I was depressed (!). By the end of the quiz, every question they had asked seemed to be addressing my personal problems. I pressed the ‘submit’ button and BOOM I suffered from depression. Depression can be fun when you see yourself from a 3^rd person’s point of view.

Some of the best dark comedic lines spew out when I talk to him. Most of the talks take place in obscure places or positions such as while sitting down in the corner of the corridor, resting the forehead on the bathroom wall or in imaginary places with no idea as to where we are in the physical world. Some of the most melancholic moments were laughed at – the decibel of the laughter usually touching a maniacal limit, while the genuinely funny moments were deeply pondered upon resulting either to a stoic reaction or a mild smirk. Many times we used to wonder if this was because he was just becoming more mature or was it that his funny side was getting worn out. But again this thought was subject to loud and cruel laughter.

I often write a to-do list just to make myself feel useful. A reason to live. To tell myself that I am still needed to do these unfinished businesses. This to-do list remains unchanged as days pass by, while the paper seems to grow newer everyday. But the words just tear themselves out of the paper and grow bigger by the minute. The blank ink expands while dexterously holding together the words it created. The words become blurry, but somehow he knows what they translate into and he can see them looming angrily above him. Wild predictions about the consequences of these unfinished affairs are made, while the very predictability of the end scenario makes him bored and lethargic.

- I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS -

The world is too loud. People bleat all the time. They all want to state their opinions and if ignored, they yap even more to argue about my unfair decision. Like sheep they all want everyone to accept them as being a sheep. On the other hand they all bleat differently to stand out without realizing that a bleat is always a bleat. Loud music is the biggest solace. His headphones are almost always on. High decibels, close to your ears numb the brain. All powers of concentration are forcibly directed towards the loudness. Brain maps data. If an already absorbed data is re-shown, the brain blurs it and creates blanks spaces. [This is why when you keep staring at a picture, the picture soon blurs up. This is because the brain is sending signals to let you know that you already know it] Loud music works in a similar way. The brain is aware of the loudness and within a matter of seconds’ reserves blank memory spaces to accommodate it. Memory soon fills up and everything around you blurs or vanishes. He thinks that Nirvana feels like this.

Everyone hates him. Hate levels vary according to the reason they hate him for. Some people hate him for his guts, some for his laziness, some for his aloofness, some for his foolishness and some for no reason. Actually between you and me, I hate him as well. I hate him because he has all of a sudden become disgustingly superstitious with numbers. Ever seen a person add up numbers in a number plate or in the calendar to see if it is his lucky number? That’s him. He does not base his actions on it, but he just feels good about it. I hate him for that and he knows it. I on the other hand want to be liked. This is very sheep like, but I don’t care. My attempts to make myself acceptable fail miserably almost all the time and I end up having people hate me, but at least I made an attempt.

- YOU ILLITERATE? DON'T READ THIS! -

Guiltiness for no reason is a gift. He can feel guilty for a junk mail he just got or even about a hypothetical situation! It makes his heart beat fast, churn his stomach and produce these muscle spasms. The muscle spasm thing is very cool. It feels as if you just got an electric shock and you survived it. It blanks the senses for a while and a tiny ringing sound resonates in your ears for quite a while. For a long time I thought this was due to the cold temperature.

Off late fast cars, tall buildings and elevator shafts look very inviting. The NYU quiz said schizophrenia was also a sign of you gone cuckoo. I think he is schizo.

In retrospect the entire thing sounds very ‘non-straight’.

- DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T WARN YOU -