"Exchange mates" (or sometimes called "The crossover")

“Hello...?”
“Hello”
“Hello... yeah...Hi! Is Ashvin* there?”
“Who?”
“Ashvin”
<>
“No.. There is no one called Ashvin here.. But is Balaji* there?”
“Duh...Who?”
“Balaji... Balaji”
<>
“No.... Bu....but... Excuse me.. is it 24758946?”
“No.. ...but is that number 24785987?”
“No....I am sorry, I think I dialed the wrong number....”
<>
“You dialed? I was the one who dialed”
“What? !”

<>

This was the very brief conversation I struck with a guy; with whom I was gonna share a brief part of my life. I am Arvind, 21 years. Every time I pick up my phone receiver, I hear this dude, talking over to his people. It was a cross talk. I receive calls and he answers them and vice versa. Now, you might of seen many many movies involving people falling in love with men/women they have never met or friends who meet ‘online’ or business transactions that happen behind dark corners ( here again the persons involved never see each other) or visually challenged guys having a buddy relationship and so on and so forth. But in the first time in the history of man-kind, here is a story about two friends who have never met or never intended to talk, but became friends!

It all started when the telephone department guys started digging a grave right in front of my house. The grave was meant to bury the telephone cable. The irony was - the phone is the one which dies, but the cable gets buried! After some 5 hours of ‘work’, the telephone guys disperse, after moaning the death of the telephone. 5 minutes later, I receive a call.

“24769437?”
“Yes”
“Sir.... we are calling from the telephone exchange department... Is your phone working properly?”
“Yes it is”
<>

This is probably the stupidest question one can ever ask. To call up a guy and ask if his phone is in good condition. I hear the calling bell and I see the telephone guys standing in my porch. I give them Rs.10 for their ‘service’.

I picked up the receiver to make a call to a friend. The phone rang.

It was at this point I received that call. The call that paved way for my friendship with Mr. Crosstalk. I used to get his calls and he used to get my calls and I used to listen him talk and he used to listen my talk and all the other possible permutations you can think off. One fateful day, as I was getting ready to go to my friends place, the phone rang. After all these days of experience, I could sense the mind of the caller, whether he wanted me to talk or Mr. Crosstalk to talk. After 5 rings the ringing stopped and I knew it was for the latter. Out of inquisitiveness I picked up the phone to listen ‘him’ talk. The birth of the inquisitiveness was because he had a row with his girl friend (I think) last night and I wanted to know if the fight still prolonged. I listened and stayed silent.

“...........and be very careful, I heard the roads are totally flooded”
“Yeah, I also heard that cars were getting washed away”
“Really?... It does sound dangerous!.. We better be careful”

At this point of time, I couldn’t control my curiosity and I blurted

“What happened?”
“Hello?... Oh is it you again, crosstalk?”
“Yeah, I am sorry.. but what happened?”
“Didn’t you know? Tsunami has struck dude!”
<>

I did know that there was guy next to my house called T.S.Mani, but who on earth was T.Su.Mani?

“T.Su.Mani? Who is that?”
“Hey! It is not T.Su.Mani.. It is Tsunami. A giant wave that has caused havoc in Chennai and is flooding our city”
“Are you serious?”
<>
“Yeah. Just turn on any channel on the TV. It’s the same news everywhere!”

And, this was how I came to know about tsunami. He had saved my life.

The next day, I picked up my phone and waited. Atlast! ........... I could hear him dialing! He had picked up his phone.
“Hello!! Crosstalk... We need to talk! “
“Hey crosstalk.. Why r you always there when I call? This is very important dude.. will talk to you later”
“No no.. wait...! i owe you one! Yesterday, you saved my life! I would have been a victim of tsunami, if you hadn’t warmed me about it!”
“Dude! That was nothing!”
“No, no... I am really thankful to you! We must meet!”
“Oh! Sure!”
“Where do you live?”
“Do you know ................?

Silence.....

I couldn’t hear anything. The phone was dead. I heard the calling bell ring. It was the telephone department guys. They had exhumed the grave. Someone had complained about their telephone being dead and these fellows had investigated this murder. And apparently, they had bought the dead back to life and closed the case. Now, they were standing to receive their allowance. I paid them Rs.10 and went in..........sad<>. I had lost a friend. I was feeling miserable, when the phone rang.
I rushed towards the phone, with my heart pregnant with high hopes of hearing my friend talk. I picked up the receiver.

“Crosstalk?”
“24769437?”
“Yes”
“Sir.... we are calling from the telephone exchange department... Is your phone working properly?”
“Yes it is”
<>

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*Name changed to protect the identity.
PS: All the conversations in << >> were spoken by the real guys to which the call was being made.

Small Medium at Large

After patiently waiting for 7 months ( or was it 8?!!) , my hair grew to astounding lengths. The middle portion of my head was covered with long tangles of hair, while the humbler hairs that prefered to grow on the said of my head, curled up my ears. After all this careful nurturing, I sported a leonine appearance. I looked like a gentlelion (in relation to gentleman), i.e.: I was clean shaven, but with lots of mane on top of my head.
Then one day, the members of my pride started complaining. They weren't too happy about my looks. The older members of my pride came near me, felt my head and gave a disgusting grunt and left the place. It is my own theory that the geriatrics is always jealous, when it comes to grabbing attention. If they don't get attention, they will pull it towards them, by criticizing the person who gets it. The younger generations always like mavericks. They simply adored my look. They gave all kinds of allusions and they dreamed that one day, when they are old enough they can also grow their hair. Their only aim in life would be to grow big, so that they can grow hair.
I was numb to all these things. I held my head high in front of those cubs and camouflaged when the older came by. But due to year’s o experience they had gathered they usually spot me and grunted their disapproval. This grunting slowly morphed into whining, which in turn morphed into a low growl.... until one day , they let out their loudest and most fierce some growl! They adamantly wanted my hair to be cut.
I obliged....
I walked up to the place. It was dark. I entered a room. It was a saloon. Those waiting to have their hair cut gave a ha-ha-ha-ha-so-u-have-also-been-forced-to-have-a-hair-cut look, while those who already had a hair cut gave a mixed look of jeolousy (because of my hair) and pity (for I was soon gonna lose it! ). I sat down on a stool and awaited my turn, like a goat that was gonna be sacrificed.
For those who have not witnessed goat sacrifice, I will give you a detailed account. The plumpest goat among the lot is selected. By this time the goat senses that something is wrong, and refuses to come. It stands stubbornly on the ground, but the man's physical strength is more than the goats. The goat gets nicely dressed (not dressed as in cooking, but dressed as in to please the Gods--- after all they like a well dressed goat) and placed on the altar. Water is sprayed onto the face and then................................................SWISH! (Rating PG: Some scenes are not healthy for children)
Now that you have a complete account of what happens during a sacrifice, lemme come back to my story. The barber looked around to the select the person with most hair. His evil eyes scan the place. Alas! His eyes are fixed on me. I quickly think of something and politely ask the person next to me to go. That person gives a pleading look in his eyes and turns his head away from me. The barber still hasn't taken his eyes off me. I am given no other choice. I walk up to the chair. The barber then takes a white cloth and wraps it around me ( I bet his eyes glinted with evil ) .He takes out his gun and points it at my head. I begin to shiver. His fingers are on the trigger.....................................................PPpppsssssssssssssppspsssssssttttt. The water from the can is sprayed on my head.
Like a huge lawn mower running berserk, the barber utilized all his skill acquired over the years to mow my hair. After 20 agonizing minutes, I look into the mirror in front of me. My previous leonine appearence now looked more simian.
My face had become big, my ears were protruding, my eyes were smaller and.... my hair was short. I pay him for his work and look longingly at my friends who were looong dead. They had stayed with me for 7 long months (or was it 8?) and never did they let me down.
I return back to my house where I was greeted with extreme joy! They were jumping, looking happy and bubbling with energy. They were behaving like monkeys. Actually they looked like monkeys.... Oh my God! It is too late.. They are monkeys! I had been fooled! They were actually monkeys in lions clothing. Damn!

Man, mosquito and Mosquito coils

"The day when man started to work and invent, was the day when he felt threatened. Threatened by wild animals, threatened by fellow beings, threatened by natural disasters etc etc... In involving ourselves and digging deeper into the roots of anthropology, it is quite evident that man used one element of threat to drive away another danger. For example, Fire was something that fascinated and scared man. He learnt to handle it and then used it initially to protect himself from animals and beasts.

Man learns from his past, his community's past, his country's past and at last undergoes a by pass when he is unable to undergo furthur damage to his life. That is a different issue. Learning from the above example, man has always used fire as a means of protection. Be it animals or humans. Evolving through the ages, man found that insects , especially mosquitoes were the greatest menace to his kind. Again, he used fire against it. He used smoke to drive it off. But smoke turned against man and killed him by generously supplying Carbon Di-Oxide. So , he had to think of something else.... Thus by continuous efforts and ages of agony, the Mosquito Coil was invented!

It is one of the best inventions of man-kind. It produces small puffs of smoke, beautifully mixed with killer chemicals and supposedly soothing aroma. The design is also very innovative as everyone knows.

The fire that burns with a dim orangish glow slowly engulfs the green part of the coil and leaves behind the ashes. The by products also include Smoke, chemicals and semi conscious mosquitoes. "

M1: "Dude this looks amazing! Ain't it? U gets free dope in this house"
M2: "Yeah! Come on lets buzz into that house! "

(Later)

M1:" This thing sure is powerful. Just one whiff and u get transported to heaven"
M2: " O.. yea... bro... what is this dope called? "
M1: “Hold on..... mmmm... itz called Good knight "

Thus ends day one of two teenage mosquitoes who were reading "Man, mosquito and mosquito coils"

Star gazing....

No no no no.. this has nothing to do with Hollywood, bollywood, kollywood or robinhood....and for your info it has nothing to do with stars either. Not even real twinkle twinkle little stars.

Today is a very special day for the astronomers and astrologers (both are the same according to me.....astronomer looks at the sky, astrologers look at the kai (hand)... thatz the only difference) . Today is the day when Jupiter and Venus come together. They are seen with the naked eye. U don't need telescope. All u need is a good scope to watch it. Almost all the channels are frenzy about this discovery. And people for once leave their Mega serials and cinemas to watch this spectacle.SO?.. I mean... just view this from a higher perspective. They are just two planets. Two large boulders revolving around a huge ball of fire. Thatz it. Whatz the big deal? My sister calls up, my aunt calls up, my paati couldn't call up because her cell phone couldn't get signal and my mom called from downstairs to watch these two chunks of useless things come together. I get pushed and cajoled into watching that. I have to survive in this community.

Then at last, after unlocking some 45674 locks, I go to my terrace. According to the experts, stars and planets are better seen from a height. I am just below 6 feet and I argue to these experts that I can watch it from just below six feet above the ground, they never mentioned the exact height, but..... NO! I have to watch it from the terrace. As mentioned before, I landed up on my terrace. It is the least visited place in my life. Just like anacondas hate Antarctica, I hate my terrace. It is a vast place, with no vegetation and human lives. But today, it was bustling with activity. Yeah, I could spot one life form. ME.

I get a feeling of sitting in a horror movie. I twist and turn, but I am yet to find those monsters. I know it is in there somewhere, but I can't see it. The irony is , u can see it only when it is dark. I could see coconut trees and other unknown vegetation looming below me (I am in the terrace, remember?). A chilling breeze blew across my face. This breeze pushed my face like a wind boat and then slowed down. My face faced the south-west direction. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I spotted them! Yes!

It was like seeing two evil eyes that gleam out of a thicket. But there was no thicket here. Only the dark sky and those eyes.

They stare at me. I stare at them. I kept staring and they kept staring back. My eyes starts to dry a bit. The natural mechanism in my eyes sprayed a bit of salty water in my eyes. Itz a bit too much. The water overflows. I lost! I blinked my eyes, while those evil eyes didn't blink even for a second. Then I realized. They were planets and they don't blink! (Twinkle)
So, after a succesful mission on planet- TRS, I come back to earth. I locked all the doors (security reasons) and came downstairs. My mom was jumping up and down. I thought the gravity had reduced to 4.5 on earth (rather than 9.8). Then, I began to wonder if this was earth or moon! Did the experts shift my house to the moon to have a better look? (Moon is at a greater height. if u want a proof. You don't look straight or below the ground to spot the moon, do u? U stare in the upward direction. So............ the moon is at a greater height! ) .

No. They didn’t. It was just my mom on earth, asking me the mission minutes. What could I say? That I saw them? I couldn't. I had to make it exciting and thrilling. So I went into the details. I told her that the planets were extremely good looking. It is the best thing on earth (though they are not on earth) and all those people who couldn't , wouldn't and didn't want to see it were all not blessed and so on and so forth.... My mom was happy. Then I had to recall my adventures with some more exciting additions to my sister, aunt and paati (Paati, apparently called up, when I was in the mission) .They were all happy.

What makes them happy? Those planets? No! Definitely not. It was me, who watched those planets, which made them happy. They were all happy because I had endorsed their discovery as an amazing and scintillating one!
Thus ends the 1st episode of Star trek (To heck with it).